Healing Co-Dependent Relationships
Credit to 'Eugene Loh, A Slice of Life, 938LIVE, a station of MediaCorp Radio'.
Relationship counsellors will tell you that the most common relationship dynamic they encounter is that of the co-dependent taker/caretaker.
Takers are people who tend to be self-centred, with an excessive need for attention and admiration. The taker attempts to control getting love, attention, approval or sex from others with anger, blame, violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, neediness, invasive touch, invasive energy, incessant talking and/or emotional drama. In a relationship, takers operate from the belief that "you are responsible for my feelings of pain and joy. It is your job to make sure that I am okay".
Caretakers, conversely, operate from the belief that "I am responsible for your feelings. When I do it right, you will be happy and then I will receive the approval I need".Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants to take care of the needs and wants of others, even when others are capable of doing it themselves. Caretakers give to others from fear rather than love; in other words, they give to get.
Neither takers nor caretakers take responsibility for their own feelings and wellbeing. They often end up feeling angry, resentful, trapped, unappreciated, unseen, unloved, misunderstood, and/or unacknowledged. The problem is that takers and caretakers naturally find each other because of their need to feed on each others' weaknesses.
So if you're in a taker/caretaker relationship, what can you do to heal it? Well, relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner works on reducing their own selfish needs, their relationship system heals. When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals.
Learning how to take responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings. Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather than from others behaviour. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to major relationship problems.
Why not start today by taking your eyes off your partner and putting them squarely on yourself? In reality, you are the only one you actually have control over. You are the only one you can change. Only when you change will the relationship get better.
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12:03 PM
Managing Conflict with Family & Friends
Credit it to 'Eugene Loh, A Slice of Life, 938LIVE, a station of MediaCorp Radio'.
Do you often feel the desire to lash out at your partner, family members and friends? Do you often find yourself questioning their love and concern for you?
When an upsetting event occurs - say a family member does something that you think is incredibly insensitive and stupid; or a friend says something you feel is hurtful - you have a choice of how you are going to explain it to yourself - what you are going to tell yourself about it. This will influence how angry, stressed, or upset you become over the event.
Because we take our family members and friends' affection for granted, we assume that they'll always see eye to eye with us or behave the way we expect them to behave. When we observe an action or remark that seems to contravene our expectations, we immediately suspect that they're trying to upset or disparage us.
Let's say your wife secretly buys you an LCD TV for your birthday. But because it cost so much money, you are displeased with her for not discussing it with you first. Besides you've always preferred plasma, it doesn't have the features you want, and so on. Your wife is left dumbfounded and you're fuming over why she would do something foolish like that. You've completely missed the point. You've ignored the wonderful motivation behind the gift and focused on the flaws.
Or say for example, you're having a beer with an old friend. The conversation turns to your success in life. Wanting to compliment you, your friend tells you how far you've come, how much of an inspiration you are to others, given your background with a dysfunctional family. But rather than seeing this as a compliment, you become offended, focusing on the fact that he brought up your family.
Learning to change what you tell yourself -your self-talk- can break the cycle of negativity that can often poison our minds when we get angry. We all have 'scripts' in our minds that tell us messages and stories about family members and how they behave.
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9:51 AM
more pictures...
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11:10 PM
just some pictures...
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1:48 PM
Thank you for doing all these for us. I wish we knew about it earlier.. All tlm students should look at what he did for us.. http://tlm-students-ngeeannpoly.fotopic.net/
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3:02 PM
Dear Mr Kenneth Tham.. you will be deeply missed and fondly remembered by each and everyone of us..
You have been my favorite lecturer in the whole of NP.. and you have definitely been a great mentor to TB17. I worked doubly hard for your modules because you were always encouraging us and you liked our tutorial group, unlike some other tutors.
You have been strict with our work.. but that means you really care about what we do.. you bring humour to class and lectures.. and we will never forget your smiles and laughter...
Remember at our class chalet when we tried to trick all the lecturers to get drunk so we could get tips for our exams.. which didnt work of course.. remember cindy's 21st birthday when you bought her the crystal abacus.. remember when our class promised to organise a potluck at your place.. but due to everyone's busy schedule.. these were all only just plans... no actions were taken... remember when you told me i had the exact same name as ur wife and you almost have the tendency to call me "dear" in class.. remember when we "borrowed" you from your class an had a tea break in NP's canteen 1.. that sadly.. had been the last time I saw you... and none of us would have expected it..
Now that you are no longer around, I wish strength for your family to go through these tough times.. I pray that you are happy where you are.. and I know that all your current and ex-students will miss you so much...
Life is really unpredictable.. we should really never take anything for granted...
Well.. that's all I have for now.. I pray for all around me to be safe and sound.. And I hope Andy Oh gets better too.. he looks pretty torn when we saw him at the wake today.. Be strong everyone...
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12:32 AM
Love Should Not Be Bartered
credit it to 'Eugene Loh, A Slice of Life, 938LIVE, a station of MediaCorp Radio'.
You usually do what you're told or asked to, even when you really don't want to do it. You keep your grudges inside, but because you feel mistreated, you grumble, complain and have frequent bursts of anger. You feel suppressed, but just can't seem to say "no".
Does that sound like you?
If you're consistently suppressing your desires to accommodate other people's needs, even if it makes you really unhappy, perhaps you need a shift in self-perspective.
You probably feel that if you don't give in to others' requests or demands, that people will not love or accept you anymore. You believe that their "love" for you is based solely on the pre-requisite that you comply with their every wish.
People trapped in such relationships can't seem to refuse the requests of family members or friends. And their family members and friends have become so used to seeing them in the submissive role that they often think that's what makes them happy, so they leave them to it. These people also get feelings of self-worth from being the "victim", the "martyr", or the one who has to sacrifice his own needs to accommodate the desires of the people he loves. This is a false line of reasoning that he has allowed himself to believe.
But your family members and friends will just as easily love you even if you can't give in to their desires. Love does not require that you suppress your true self and happiness. Love does not need you to be dishonest about your real feelings.
True freedom is found in giving out of love and not out of fear. When we give out of fear of rejection, we are not really giving but bartering whatever we are giving in exchange for others' acceptance.
No one can respond to what others ask of them all the time. And you are just as worthy of love even when you can't accommodate the needs of others.
Is it time you allowed others to be responsible for their own reality? And for you to be responsible for your own happiness?
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10:09 AM
A Slice of Life presents Letters from Grandma and Grandpa
Credit to 'Eugene Loh, A Slice of Life, 938LIVE, a station of MediaCorp Radio'.
Most parents genuinely want the best for their children, and will provide for them as best they can. But children may not always understand their parents' difficulties. The reasons behind the parents' actions may not always be evident to the children, and may not be easy to convey.
Ho Meng Jang wants his grandchildren to be grateful for what their parents give them. In a letter to Ryan, Rodrique, Freya and Hana, he relates a story about his friend. He writes?
"Grandpa has a friend who has three children, two sons and a daughter. After giving birth to the last child, his wife became very sick. My friend then became the sole bread-winner. Because his income was small, he had to spend very frugally. To his children though, he appeared very stingy and mean.
Children do not always understand the reasons for doing things. They only know the things you do or do not do. You care or do not care. You love or do not love.
When his children were about to complete school, his wife passed away. He spent the life insurance money on his second son's university education. His daughter, the eldest, was unhappy that she was not given priority.
My friend explained, "We have money only for one. Let your brother go. He's a boy. He will need the education to get a good job and provide for this family. You are a girl. Your husband will take care of you. This is our tradition."
My friend felt very hurt saying that. But he felt he had no other choice. Later, he gave his third son his CPF savings to finance his university education. To him, he has done all he can as a father. But what he failed to realize was that in his preoccupation to provide for his sons' education, he had overlooked teaching them the value of sharing and of being grateful for what they received.
His sons became very wealthy and successful but did not take care of my aging friend. He lived alone until his daughter took him in. He felt saddened that he had not given her as much financial support as he did his sons.
So, Ryan, Rodrique, Freya and Hana, if there's one thing you must learn, it's to be grateful for what your parents can give you. Be grateful for what you have."
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10:40 AM